When most people think of popcorn, they think of their friends and family laughing and socializing. Popcorn brings comfort and is an overall fun snack. Now erase all of that and think of depression, anxiety, and loneliness. This is what I think of when I’m around one of the most loved snacks. When I was in high school, I struggled a lot with my body image. I was always thin, but as I got older, I started gaining some weight. Everyone was so used to me being underweight, so when I gained, my mother made sure I knew.
When she made comments about my weight, I never cared. I always brushed it off and continued to live my life. Now imagine yourself just finishing a plate of food. You realize you’re still hungry, so you go into the kitchen for a second plate of food. When you pick up the serving spoon about to serve yourself, your mother snatches the spoon out of your hands. That’s what my mother did. She took away my plate, looked me in the eyes, and said, “No more.” A mother, someone who is supposed to make you feel loved no matter what. I looked at my mother and asked her, “why did you do that,” and she looked at me and said, “look at you, you’re gaining too much weight. You weren’t like this before. You think someone’s going to think you’re pretty.” My heart sank so fast. Holding back tears, I looked back at my dad. Everyone was shocked as to what just came out of my mom’s mouth.
My dad knew I was holding back so many tears. He looked at my mom and told her, “She’s not even fat. Leave her alone. Let the girl eat.” My mom replied, “No, look at her.” I turned to my dad and told him, “It’s OK; I’m not hungry anymore.” As my dad begged me to get my second plate of food, I walked back to the living room and I sat there holding everything in.
After that day, I had a hard time eating. I would go days without eating, and I lost weight. My parents noticed I wasn’t eating, and they would send me to school with meals prepared for me, but I always ended up giving it to my friends.
I had a hard time walking down the stairs without tripping or falling because of how dizzy I got. When my parents got suspicious as to whether or not I was eating, I would eat a small amount of popcorn in front of them from time to time. I made sure I didn’t eat too much. When we would watch a movie as a family, the strong smell of buttery popcorn would remind me to watch what I ate. Popcorn used to be something I had enjoyed. I loved the taste of it. I was happy that I’d let myself eat a small amount of it from time to time. I loved the ones that were a little burnt. I loved the crunch I felt when I chewed it. I was no longer enjoying it. When everyone was watching the movie, I would watch how much I was eating.
When everyone was enjoying the popcorn, I was making sure my mom was looking at me eating the popcorn. The worst part was not losing food. The worst part was faking the smiles. I felt so alone. It felt like nobody knew what I was going through. Over time I slowly let people in. I’m learning to love my body again. I spoke to my mother and our relationship isn’t perfect but it’s better than the relationship we had before. When I’m around popcorn, I instantly remember the emotions I was feeling and the dark thoughts I was having but it’s also a reminder of how far I have come.
